Author: Changmin’s wifey
Fanfic URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/onandon/
Status: One-Shots
Reviewer: Sweet_YunJae
Title: 4/5
The title didn’t connect to the story except for the ending. I know you couldn’t do much about it so I only took one point off^^
Poster/Background: 9/10
To be honest, it’s very beautiful. But it shows a hint of sadness. The story is suppose to be about their love story so why make it so sad. I understand their hardships but try adding more happiness into it to make readers look at it and smile. To see that their love is colorful, beautiful, and fresh.
Forewords: 9/10
The forewords was fine but it seems like it’s missing something. I didn’t get that feeling of wanting to read more except for the last part. Adding more details would help.
Plot: 14/15
You used precise details and vocabulary. It was very easy to picture the scenes in my head. The details you included were more than excepted and it really helps. But your story was unoriginal and wasn’t very creative. Also, I understand your story is very long but sometimes, it’s hard to read in really long paragraphs. And you didn’t mention anything about what happened when she met him five years ago.
Creativity/Originality: 9/10
Your story reminds my of “A walk to remember”. The second I read that she had found bruises on her hand, I knew that she had Leukemia. Also, it was very easy to guess out what will happen next.
Flow: 9/10
The beginning and middle was easy and slow. But once you reached the part where Ri In has Leukemia, it totally got out of hand. It was moving way too fast. She only have a week to live but you didn’t describes much during that time. I know it’s one-shots but it still needs to be in order.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 8/10
You had made a lot of spelling and grammar mistakes. Vocabulary is fine but please do double check your spelling and grammar. Or you could ask someone to proofread it for you. And please do not rush because that will affect you work. Here’s some of your mistakes but there’s a lot more:
Her parents reluctantly agreed. So on Saturday they went for a doctors appointment.
When he arrived infront of room L203, he paused before opening the door.
As Ri In walked quietly to her locked, someone called her from behind.
This is what it should be written:
Her parents reluctantly agreed. So on Saturday they went for a doctor’s appointment.
When he arrived in front of room L203, he paused before opening the door.
As Ri In walked quietly to her locker, someone called her from behind.
There are more but don’t worry, I make mistakes too.
Characterization: 9/10
Even though I can picture the scenes in my head, I couldn’t really picture Ri In and Junsu’s characters. Here’s what I got from reading your story: Ri In is a lonely girl who’s trap in darkness but what’s her personality? Same with Junsu. In real life he may be a duck butt^^ but how about in the story? All I know is that they really love each other. Please improve on this.
Writing Style: 9/10
The story is mainly about Ri In but I’d noticed that you didn’t include her point of view. You wrote it in your point of view. This is why I couldn’t understand Ri In’s personality. If you had wrote it in her POV, then I could have picture what’s her reaction, thoughts, and expression when she meet Junsu.
Overall Enjoyment: 5/5
I’m sorry if I’m harsh or anything. Usually, I’m not like this but I really want you to improve. Why? Because I think you are an incredible writer. You had got to be one of my favorites. Underneath those critical remarks, you’re a very talented writer. I really enjoyed it. And I didn’t know you have other fanfics. If so, I would love to read them but I don’t know the link. If you can, can you send me it in the tag box. I check it every time I finish a request so I won’t miss it(: The ending was really sweet but sad also. Make sure to ask someone to proofread your writing so it can improve. Other than that, you’re fine.
Bonus: 5/5
I couldn’t help but love your epilogue it was simply sweet. So sweet of you to do that. I’m sure you will do well in the future. Anyways, good luck with your challenge. I hope you win(: And don’t forget, I would love to read more of your fanfics.
Total: 90/100
