Author: raindrop_symphony
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/unforgettable29/
Status: one-shots
Reviewer: kawai_love @ mysterycious
Title: 2.5/5
The title was perfect for this story. It summed up the basics in one word. However, it was not interesting. I was not pulled into the story by the title. The title actually made me think the story would have been boring.
Poster/Background: 6/10
Your poster was adequate. Since your characters were fictional, it probably was hard for you to find people for your poster right? The poster was simple and gave the reader a little peek preview to the forewords. However, why is the background black if your poster is white? You should have used one of the colors that were presented in the poster.
Forewords: 2/10
You just had one sentence for the forewords. It was very short and it was very general. It also shows no originality. It didn’t make me have the feeling of wanting to read the one-shot. From what I’ve read in the forewords, it just seemed like a break up story.
Plot: 14.5/15
The plot was good. It was about a guy who was trapped in the relationship that was already in the past. I liked the time travel thing. Like from present to past to further past to present. It gave a wonderful alignment with the lyrics of the song.
Creativity/Originality: 7/10
It was mostly creative. But, there were multiple parts that seemed very cliché, just like you constantly reminded the reader in the story. Some of these parts were: catching the ex in the bar drunk, trying to leave bar but getting caught. There was also the part that she missed his first concert and I guess that was the first test to their relationship? However, the rest of the story was creatively written.
Flow: 9/10
I liked the flow. Since it was a one-shot, I didn’t expect you to explain every little scene thoroughly. You gave just the right amount of description. Like I said before, I like the time travel throughout the story.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 7/10
You kept on alternating from past and present tense throughout the whole story. Choose one tense because it gets really annoying and it confuses me to read it. For example, (italicized is the correction)
I lied down at the hammock as I opened it slowly. I smile while I look at the letter.
I lied down on the hammock as I opened it slowly. I smiled while I looked at the letter.
And you also confused the usage of on, an, and in such as the sentence above.
Instead of using — all the time, try using a colon because you used the dashes too much. At some places you can even replace the dashes with commas. Nothing’s wrong with using commas.
I thought I saw something in those eyes that gave me hope—regret and sadness
I thought I saw something in those eyes that gave me hope: regret and sadness.
Try to use other pronouns than Max. You kept on repeating Max, and it got bothersome to read the name after a while.
I moved to hug Max but before I could, I was pushed away. Max looked me in the eyes and said the words I never thought I would hear from those lips.
I moved to hug Max but before I could, I was pushed away. She looked at me in the eyes and said the words I never thought I would hear from those lips
You barely had any spelling mistakes but I caught one.
As long as my hear beats, I will always love you
As long as my heart beats, I will always love you.
Please try to reread your story more than once. There were awkward sentences too. I didn’t really get the meaning of the sentence below. And I wasn’t sure how to fix it. If I fixed it differently I was worried that I would portray an entirely different meaning..
I just try and keep still the moments when we were happily together.
Characterisation: 9.5/10
Your characterization was good. I can really feel Sam’s emotions and see his face clearly in my head.
Writing Style: 9.5/10
Like I said, I really like the way you write. It was descriptive and to the point. You described the right amount so it wouldn’t bore me. I like the lyrics you used for the story.
Overall Enjoyment: 4/5
I liked the story. I saw the pain. The moments attracted my attention.
Bonus: 4/5
For being considerate by putting the symbols for past and present times. This helps the reader from not being confused.
Total: 75/100
I’m sorry if anything I said hurt your feelings or if it was too harsh. I hope you understand that I only wanted to help. I suggest you reread your story because mostly the story is interesting but the problem lies in your grammar. I hope you like this review.
